reconcile

I know about the good life. I might even have been used to it. My mom says I'll never have a bite to eat if I don't take care of myself, or if I don't find an educated man. But I disagree. I'd rather have no bite to eat than rely on an educated man. I'd rather have no bite to eat and be adored by an uneducated man. I might not need a man at all. My mom is old fashioned. I tried living the proper life for a few years, like in the books. I'd pray to god and I was devoted to a goal that stripped me of happiness. I was devoted for no purpose than for the proper life purpose, and it gave me nothing but a lesson learned. I ate little and I woke up early and I prayed during the night when I could not sleep for the life of me, and in the mornings I could not smile for the life of me. Can you imagine me now like that? No I cant' he said, just because you are so different from it now. I'd rather have goodness, I told my mom. I also knew the hard life. I grew up during the hard life and it's affected me little except for a certain displacement felt among others. I worked hard too, for little pay, and I still sat on the porch in the morning beaming with sunshine, and I had enough to eat as far as I was concerned. I don't know what that's all about then. The rise from poverty has so many implications, so many necessities that are unnecessary for a good life. A good life does not rely on materialism, but that's what everybody seems to say. I see people talking economics and politics like there's no tomorrow, about the state of matters in an entire country, as if the people of the country were somehow united into one individual, and everybody had the same troubles. People talk about the good of the people, and what governments can do for this united individual, but I have no interest in being united. I have no interest in society as far as it's concerned, and as far as I've encountered it now. It sure can exist, but not next to me please, so don't get mad, Society, if I disagree.

never listen to the spirits, because even the angels will come disguised as devils, and they love to laugh at our foolishness. for example, i'd be hopeful, i'd be trusting, i'd be like a child in believing. but never trust those devils, and never trust those angels. and they will change your eyesight so that you will see what you feel inside, instead of seeing the real world. when they part, and after making noises in your ears, you sit at your typewriter and wonder, with what kind of feeling did they leave you, and were they angels or were they demons, and what kind of light did they leave you with, and what kind of presents at your door. so i opened the door and i saw the starlit sky again, one that i could not notice before. i saw on my porch the patience that left me some time ago, and also the simplicity i once based my life around. so that all things come to one end, and whichever pathway we take is of our choosing. so i opened the door and saw in the world the wholeness that's been missing, after the spirits left, and whom i shouldn't listen to or trust, because i always just fool myself. so i said this time, be careful not to fool yourself, because you do it so very often. seeing demons as angels. seeing angels as devils. everything was simplicity once you got the hang of it. once you accepted it and did not fight. the world now looked like the peacefulness of my inside. i looked out and i saw what was in, and my porch was adorned with those presents. that's how i met the simplest boy i've ever known, probably in the whole wide world, probably part of the trickery of the angels, or demons, whichever. they all go to the same place anyway.

I'm going to write another one because I laid down on my bed this afternoon, finally, and I wanted nothing but the sweet calm of the house. My window is located on the same side of the pillow, but I can still receive the calm without looking. Once upon a time I had to go elsewhere to find myself. It was very unfortunate of a circumstance, and I could not find a rest for my restless mind, and I could not find calm in other activities. Finally I tried not to have constant thoughts in my mind, so that my silence would come over me, so that my mind would not be bothered with bothersome things, because of its insecurity and constant talking. I streightened out my back and sat on the ground, finally. I swore that from now on I would be so good, so not entangled in anything, so slow moving, just to survive. The door kept slamming shut and open over and over because of the wind. but what wind now? Then, finally, the neighbors came out to complain. No, that never happened. Finally I got lost once again, and took up the activities of a restless soul, just so that I would not think upon certain topics. What brought this change about? If only for a day? I felt so sick with myself, so shaken up, so worried and not in my place. I wasn't at home in order to ponder my thoughts and let the house take over with some calm and quiet. I had been wandering away from home, sleeping on the streets, paying the bus fare wherever it might take me. I spoke with unnecessary people, hoping the strangers will fill my mind, in order so that I would not fill it myself, with my shaken up state of mind. Hoping they might rescue me, that the progress I made, and which finally collapsed on me, would somehow reappear through dishonest actions. Of course the consequences of all my words are graver to me than to anyone else, and I felt ashamed to face regret again. but why did i face regret? i kept my cool and i did not notice the mosquitos of the evening, but as the hours went by I noticed the steady progression towards a familiar desperation. I got a beer and I knew that it would not help, but I had already ordered it. The swaying branches of back home were far away now, and I talked to my heart's desire, but once again I did not smile, just like the many years of the war. I did not smile, not on my face, not in my heart, not in my liver, so nobody spoke with me. I tried to raise my voice louder and everyone else seemed to have faded away. I lowered my head so nobody would see what's in my eyes. But I could not catch my breath for the life of me, and after the incident, I just faded away, no matter how cheerful I tried to make my voice seem, or how steady I pretended my breathing was.

We start dating
Things were getting pretty bad. He only found time to see me at night when he could sleep with me
I tell him to "just leave me alone" and I don't answer for a week
I talked with him face to face to say that I didn't want him in my life
He yelled at me one night and hung up, for some unknown reason, and I sat on a porch in Columbus and cried loudly in front of everyone
I told him we could not go on speaking any longer...

he was very tired, and he hugged me longer than usual. i told him about the circumstances, what had happened, the people i met, and i asked if i was making the right choices. is it too soon, i asked. it is never a bad thing, he said. i think he almost fell asleep while hugging me after the flight. look for what you need, he said, and you will have it. it is never too soon. if you need help for the mind, if you need help for your body, if you need help for your emotions. it is never a bad thing to get what you need. don't feel bad or worry about it. it was dark outside, and i ran across the streets of where i left my car. and then i came back across the street. i took off my ring because my finger was itching from it.

i don't want to live this life, with its dramatic irony, with endless tragedy, and regrets. i don't want to run from one corner to the other, from one to another, from depth and silence. i don't want to lose hope in humanity, because humanity is like an ocean, and a few dirty drops don't make the ocean dirty. i don't want to lose hope in myself living this life. but hope was so dangerous to me. hope comes and then, runs, laughing at my stupidity. i don't want to think how others will make this life easier. it is not their view of the world, or of me, that i want. but sometimes this life tires me so, and i don't want this life anymore.

"you're just a happy one aren't you"
"i like to laugh, but i wasn't always like this"

when you came around, it's like you were always there, it wasn't like i had to get to know you first, and it's like there was always a past where everything was much better than in the present

1. Life's metaphors are God's instructions
2. You have just climbed up and above the roof. There is nothing between you and the Infinite. Now, let go
3. The day is ending. It's time for something that was beautiful to turn into something else that is beautiful.
4. Your wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being here is God's response. Let go, and watch the stars come out-on the outside and on the inside.
5. With all your heart, ask for grace, and let go
6. With all your heart, forgive him, forgive yourself, and let him go
7. Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Then, let go
8. Watch the heat of day pass into the cool of night. Let go
9. When the karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It's safe
10. When the past has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy

i don't know who you are, or for what reason you are, but it didn't do me any good, and nothing will change. i think about the way i was before, holding out a small hope, standing on my balcony and waiting for carlights in the distance. and then calling you after days have passed, and nobody picking up. was that all in my head too. the way i was before, as a little girl, i can't be ashamed for the way i turned out, because i turned out in response to those constant fearful moments.

will we see eachother often this summer. i often get a sick feeling in my stomach, at the thought of certain things, like they are falling into nothingness and my stomach is the starting point of nothingness. i often get so desperate after waking up, the hours seem not to pass by fast enough, and i always want the day to end sooner. this is all familiar to me. when i woke up and you were sleeping on the couch, i still felt desperate. hopefully the knowledge that you have my letters will bring more of that calm i talked about, which everyone must want. maybe the presence of time scares me, how many things can happen within it, and its complexities. i always tried not to think so much so that it wouldn't bother me. was my decision the right one? can i go back now to feeling less desperation, at the question of will we see eachother often. i bet the question doesn't mean as much today. i wrote, we will always have to wonder at our impossibilities.

"you're gonna fit right in" he said, we were walking in rain coats
but rain coats never help
what was it that i said that made him say that?
maybe it was a combination of things, i can't recall
i recalled the mountains for the first time, and his long hair
telling me i'm gonna fit right in
my sentences lagged behind, and my feet
everyone walked in front of me, my responses were slow
it was foggy in oregon, and i didn't say much
i was very tired and the time change
but the life was not sucked out of me
in between my tired eyes i grew to love the train tracks
"one thing they did not tell you,,,which sucks, is you're gonna be living by train tracks"
always pausing in between words, maybe to make it seem dramatic, but i didn't mind
you can't see shasta now, but it takes up maybe half the sky
but i couldn't see it then, it was foggy and rainy for about a week
i woke up my first time by the mountains, opened the door and sat on the moist ground

seems like only bad things happen

"I don't want to go there, pigeons go there and fart there"
hahahaha
"That's kind of funny, but still disgusting"

you smell like beer
i smell like heave-n

oh man i'm pathetic
weaking up late hrs
until evrything fall apart and you find yrself
in the middle of the room and like wtf
what happened to this precious mind
thanks daniels
is that ur voice in the middle of night

You look quite tired
Do I
And yesterday also you looked very tired
I smiled at this as I always do on these topics
No, I am not so tired, I am just sad

I remembered how I ran into her yesterday, and in between speaking I paused for a moment and looked towards the wall of the room, until I felt a slight tap on my shoulder with Lilly wishing me good luck on whatever I was doing, and then she walked away

I used to forget my baked fried chicken and my waffles in the oven ALL THE TIME
also I used to leave the stove on all of the time
it was terrible

but nearly fell off the bed today, only everything else fell but me
i was like shit
sometimes i swear in front of my lab coworkers, so that they look at me funny
and i pretend i'm just mocking the fish we're working on
i can't help it if the fish have a filthy mouth, i say
and i want to feel free
i never want to lose again

anyone who loves you should always love you
redbull put me to sleep and i woke up at a late hour
i miss mom, i said, because moms love you
focusing on your work can make the skies so grey
the mind so inconsistent
the priorities so misplaced
makes you not want to sleep
makes you just want to work like you ain't know
what's outside the windows

i took a walk today this morning, and the wind chilled my arms that were bare, then i walked under the bridge and beside the trees, and peeked into the garbage piles of Little Italy, who throw away new merchanize. then there was a ghetto building with broken glass, a gang cover up pizza shop, and the winding roads. i thought, i've never been here before, the time went by fast, and i covered a lot of ground unnoticed. i love covering ground, if there's one thing i love without end, is to cover new ground, not knowing where it's going, like i told you once, sitting on that rock in massachussets, they're unknowing of their flight. they're unknowing